Marvelous Matrimony


A year ago at this time, hubby and I were in the midst of wedding and honeymoon planning.    It was also a time for both of us to contemplate the prospect of second marriage.  I had received some dire warnings from some other married people, both gay and straight.  The most common was:  “Marriage is hard work, but worth it.”  When I inquired what they meant, they would elaborate on how you have to work at relationships to make them harmonious, and how living with someone day in and day out can really wear on you.

Well in three more months, we will hit the one year mark and both of us can honestly say that it has been quite easy.  Now there is no question that moving in with my hubby almost a year and a half ago required that many times I do more physically.  We both have family, we both create laundry and messes.  We have dogs and he has children.   Hubby also has a very busy medical practice and at times I pick up the slack for him at home, because he is away at work.  However, he has had to learn how to pick up the slack for me when I have been sick, recovering from surgery or needed elsewhere.  That is what partners do.

I also think that we both can be high maintenance individuals in our own unique ways.  I like to be spoiled and love being the center of his attentions.  He loves being pampered and having a wife who makes time to put him first.  I have had the “career” in the book business; now I want marriage.  I am not a woman who wants it all.  Just isn’t me and I don’t feel a need to apologize for it.

We also think there are a few key reasons why it has been so easy:

1)  We do not have financial worries or major disagreements about money.  We both like to save and then we both like to spend, especially on our home and travel.  But we do not spend what we do not have.

2)  We have a lot of chemistry.  Let’s face it, sex can overcome a lot of silly disputes and keep the home fires burning.

In my first marriage and it other subsequent relationships both of the key items above were missing or lacking in some way.   At the time, I would have offered anyone contemplating marriage the same advice about having to work for it.  The same was true for hubby.  If really pressed, we both might have admitted to not being happy.

Several friends did not offer that advice.  They are in long term, successful and seemingly very happy marriages.  It is interesting to note that they also have the key components I listed above going for them.

Once when I was searching for the “one” I asked a close male friend who has been happily  married for 20 years,  “How will I know when I find him?”

He responded, “When you look over at him and you totally accept him, and love him despite his internal flaws.  Then, after looking at him, if you want to go upstairs for an afternoon of love making, that is when you’ll know you have found the one. ”

It is so nice to know my search is over.

What else is key to a successful marriage?  Let me know.

11 responses »

  1. I like your posts Kay. My husband and I have been together for 19 years, married for 16 and we are very happy together and in our eyes the relationship has always been easy so I feel very fortunate when so many people I speak with say that marriage takes a lot of work. I have never felt that way. Why it works? We are both very independent, often taking separate vacations(however we have traveled for over a year at time together more than once in very intense third world conditions), we dont have children so we can focus on each other, and most important in my opinion is we have the same long term life goals and the same way of wanting to live our day to day lives.

  2. Thank you and congratulations. I agree having time to focus on each other is key. We also have the same ideas about where we want to go in life long-term and day to day. It is funny how working out a compromise to get there is easy when you love the person.

  3. Welcome back! I felt like I’d been neglecting reading your blog and then I realized that you’d been away a bit as well, and I was happy to see that you’d posted yesterday…

    I enjoyed this post and could not agree more. Married fifteen years, we may not agree down to the littlest details of everything, but we agree on the important stuff — kids, money, homes, cars, education, work ethic PLUS a lot of the little things that we both enjoy — antiques, interior design, micro-brew beers, music, and a shared obsession with Yankee Candle “Pumpkin Spice” candles!

    Congrats on your first anniversary!!!

    • Thanks! Work has been extremely hectic, leaving not much room for my writing or creative thought of any kind. Then you think what if I had the time to write or photograph this and then it is a downward spiral from there. That cycle is ending as work settles down a bit for now.

      I completely agree with your comment. The big stuff matters or resentments begin to build, leading to unhappiness. The little things lead to fun memories and special shared moments.

      Happy for you both.

  4. Kay, we are so VERY happy for you guys! As a going-on-23-year gay couple, (not that that matters)we have never been happier! The key for us is trust and respect. We both hate to go a day without seeing each other and we can be in the same room and not say a word for an hour and still know what the other is thinking…. and then we say the exact same thing at the same time! At this advanced stage in our relationship we enjoy gardening and cooking together (we are both extremely nurturing) as well as the private moments. So glad to hear you and yours are so happy!

  5. I like that…trust and respect. Respect seems so key. Not only in the big picture, but in how you treat each other day to day. When you see a couple on film where that is lacking, it really makes you cringe. I have definitely been there on both sides in the past.

    We hope to be there when you two celebrate the big 50th anniversary on the beach.

  6. Kay, I think you hit the nail on the head! I’m so glad that you found your HEA, and I hope that all of us can find our happily ever afters. It’s hard to take a risk and let love in, but the risk is so worth it. Steve and I don’t have the years that Marty and Jimmy have (only 18!), but love/marriage with the right person has been the exciting adventure of my life.

  7. Thanks. HEA, I like that. Only 18, please that is great and I am happy for you both. We were talking just the other night at Seva how on one of our early dates at the same restaurant, both of us had separate, internal commitment phobe attacks. We are so glad now that we did indeed take the risk.

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