A year ago at this time, hubby and I were in the midst of wedding and honeymoon planning. It was also a time for both of us to contemplate the prospect of second marriage. I had received some dire warnings from some other married people, both gay and straight. The most common was: “Marriage is hard work, but worth it.” When I inquired what they meant, they would elaborate on how you have to work at relationships to make them harmonious, and how living with someone day in and day out can really wear on you.
Well in three more months, we will hit the one year mark and both of us can honestly say that it has been quite easy. Now there is no question that moving in with my hubby almost a year and a half ago required that many times I do more physically. We both have family, we both create laundry and messes. We have dogs and he has children. Hubby also has a very busy medical practice and at times I pick up the slack for him at home, because he is away at work. However, he has had to learn how to pick up the slack for me when I have been sick, recovering from surgery or needed elsewhere. That is what partners do.
I also think that we both can be high maintenance individuals in our own unique ways. I like to be spoiled and love being the center of his attentions. He loves being pampered and having a wife who makes time to put him first. I have had the “career” in the book business; now I want marriage. I am not a woman who wants it all. Just isn’t me and I don’t feel a need to apologize for it.
We also think there are a few key reasons why it has been so easy:
1) We do not have financial worries or major disagreements about money. We both like to save and then we both like to spend, especially on our home and travel. But we do not spend what we do not have.
2) We have a lot of chemistry. Let’s face it, sex can overcome a lot of silly disputes and keep the home fires burning.
In my first marriage and it other subsequent relationships both of the key items above were missing or lacking in some way. At the time, I would have offered anyone contemplating marriage the same advice about having to work for it. The same was true for hubby. If really pressed, we both might have admitted to not being happy.
Several friends did not offer that advice. They are in long term, successful and seemingly very happy marriages. It is interesting to note that they also have the key components I listed above going for them.
Once when I was searching for the “one” I asked a close male friend who has been happily married for 20 years, “How will I know when I find him?”
He responded, “When you look over at him and you totally accept him, and love him despite his internal flaws. Then, after looking at him, if you want to go upstairs for an afternoon of love making, that is when you’ll know you have found the one. ”
It is so nice to know my search is over.
What else is key to a successful marriage? Let me know.